Emotional... ride, of some sort.

The past week or so has been challenging. I've been so tired that I can barely force myself out of bed in the morning. I basically slept for the entirety of last weekend.

Seriously: I woke up at 8:30 Saturday morning, ran some errands, came home, and fell asleep on the couch from about 5:00pm to 11:00pm, then crawled to my bed and passed out again. I woke up Sunday around 9:oo, my parents came over, they left, and I was back in bed by 1:00. I slept until probably 7:00pm. And went back to bed at 11:00pm.

I'm not sure what's causing this abnormally high state of fatigue, but there are a few suspects: I work two jobs. I have a great deal of stress in my life at the moment, coming from pretty much all areas of life. And I started this whole colon cleanse thing (sorry if that grosses you out!). It could be one or all of the above.

Another factor could be my diet lately. Eric and I went crazy at Hannaford on May 8th. We literally stuffed our fridge with amazing, wonderful fresh produce. We ate ourselves silly and had lots of energy and felt great! Check out our post-shopping refrigerator awesomeness.

Anyway, that all disappeared in less than a week. We can only afford to go grocery shopping every two weeks, so of course this week my diet has taken a nosedive. I've been eating whatever is laying around, and am back to feeling bloated and miserable. I need to plan my meals out better so I don't run out before I can get more groceries. The past week, my carb-and-grease-laden diet has negated the good things that I was eating last week.

Good news is, I'm taking small steps to help me handle stress better. Reading some books and watching some docs. I read Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (and It's All Small Stuff) last week. It was kind of hokey, as the title probably conveys, but it did have some really helpful tips. The hard part is remembering to use them when I'm at work and ready to have a mental collapse. I get so caught up in how stressful it is, how upset I am, how rude people are, and how annoying everything becomes that I can't think of anything else. It's like a storm is going on in my mind, and I'm swept up in it. It's really difficult to remember that even though I can't control how other people are behaving, I can control how I react. I get so angry that I forget about everything. I really need to start taking a deep breath and calculating how to react to situations before I let them enmesh me.

I'm also reading another book, The Power of Decision by Raymond Charles Barker. I'm about two-thirds through. It's a little hard to follow because he's constantly talking in terms of metaphysics (which I'm very interested in, but sometimes the language is alien to me). I can't say it's really helping me all that much, as I'm too busy trying to figure out what he's talking about to actually get the message he's trying to convey. But I'm going to finish it and maybe some of it will stick in my head.

I think more than anything, I've got to get away from my primary job. It's the number one stress-inducer in my life. In fact, when I think about it, my life would be easy if I didn't have to wake up every day and fight with people for 8 hours. I let myself daydream a lot: If only I could afford to stay home and do things that fulfill me, like volunteering or taking art classes. Then, I wouldn't have stress, which would cancel out all of my health problems, which are stress-related, and I wouldn't be a bitch to people I love because I wouldn't be an emotional land mine by the time I got to interact with them! If only.

In the meantime I'm looking for another job, but not having much luck. I am confident that my perfect job will pop up sooner or later, and I am on the lookout so I can pounce on it. Eric made up a bunch of business cards for me for cleaning houses, but I'm afraid to put them out because I'm afraid no one will call. Isn't that stupid?? No one's going to call anyway if I don't put them out! Sometimes I am a jackass--I'm the first to say it.

Anyway my journey so far has been comprised of some great highs and some debilitating lows; in fact it seems to be a constant seesaw. I'm even wearing myself out with my mood swings. Side note--I stopped birth control on my primary doctor's orders, so maybe that'll help with the crazy-making mood fluctuations.

My OB/GYN put me on birth control because of my PCOS, to regulate my cycle and help with the other symptoms like acne and weight. Well, it didn't help with anything, except, I suspect, making me bipolar. So I'm curious to see if stopping it will put me on a more normal emotional plane. As for the acne, most of it is gone since I stopped drinking 4 sodas a day! I still have a bit, but nowhere near as bad as it was a month ago. And I suspect the weight will drop off more easily when I get back on track with healthy, natural food.

All in all, I am confident that everything will work out great soon. I just have to control my temper, practice discipline and get more sleep! I am really thankful for all the wonderful people in my life, because without them, I'd be hopelessly lost.

I'm really excited for the weekend--I'm FINALLY going to the drive in Friday, after it's rained the last two weekends. Simple things in life. AND my best girl Charlotte is coming up to visit me, and when she is around I always feel peaceful. Plus, I get three whole days off of work! Three days without anyone yelling at me or arguing with me. Can't wait!