Emotional... ride, of some sort.

The past week or so has been challenging. I've been so tired that I can barely force myself out of bed in the morning. I basically slept for the entirety of last weekend.

Seriously: I woke up at 8:30 Saturday morning, ran some errands, came home, and fell asleep on the couch from about 5:00pm to 11:00pm, then crawled to my bed and passed out again. I woke up Sunday around 9:oo, my parents came over, they left, and I was back in bed by 1:00. I slept until probably 7:00pm. And went back to bed at 11:00pm.

I'm not sure what's causing this abnormally high state of fatigue, but there are a few suspects: I work two jobs. I have a great deal of stress in my life at the moment, coming from pretty much all areas of life. And I started this whole colon cleanse thing (sorry if that grosses you out!). It could be one or all of the above.

Another factor could be my diet lately. Eric and I went crazy at Hannaford on May 8th. We literally stuffed our fridge with amazing, wonderful fresh produce. We ate ourselves silly and had lots of energy and felt great! Check out our post-shopping refrigerator awesomeness.

Anyway, that all disappeared in less than a week. We can only afford to go grocery shopping every two weeks, so of course this week my diet has taken a nosedive. I've been eating whatever is laying around, and am back to feeling bloated and miserable. I need to plan my meals out better so I don't run out before I can get more groceries. The past week, my carb-and-grease-laden diet has negated the good things that I was eating last week.

Good news is, I'm taking small steps to help me handle stress better. Reading some books and watching some docs. I read Don't Sweat the Small Stuff (and It's All Small Stuff) last week. It was kind of hokey, as the title probably conveys, but it did have some really helpful tips. The hard part is remembering to use them when I'm at work and ready to have a mental collapse. I get so caught up in how stressful it is, how upset I am, how rude people are, and how annoying everything becomes that I can't think of anything else. It's like a storm is going on in my mind, and I'm swept up in it. It's really difficult to remember that even though I can't control how other people are behaving, I can control how I react. I get so angry that I forget about everything. I really need to start taking a deep breath and calculating how to react to situations before I let them enmesh me.

I'm also reading another book, The Power of Decision by Raymond Charles Barker. I'm about two-thirds through. It's a little hard to follow because he's constantly talking in terms of metaphysics (which I'm very interested in, but sometimes the language is alien to me). I can't say it's really helping me all that much, as I'm too busy trying to figure out what he's talking about to actually get the message he's trying to convey. But I'm going to finish it and maybe some of it will stick in my head.

I think more than anything, I've got to get away from my primary job. It's the number one stress-inducer in my life. In fact, when I think about it, my life would be easy if I didn't have to wake up every day and fight with people for 8 hours. I let myself daydream a lot: If only I could afford to stay home and do things that fulfill me, like volunteering or taking art classes. Then, I wouldn't have stress, which would cancel out all of my health problems, which are stress-related, and I wouldn't be a bitch to people I love because I wouldn't be an emotional land mine by the time I got to interact with them! If only.

In the meantime I'm looking for another job, but not having much luck. I am confident that my perfect job will pop up sooner or later, and I am on the lookout so I can pounce on it. Eric made up a bunch of business cards for me for cleaning houses, but I'm afraid to put them out because I'm afraid no one will call. Isn't that stupid?? No one's going to call anyway if I don't put them out! Sometimes I am a jackass--I'm the first to say it.

Anyway my journey so far has been comprised of some great highs and some debilitating lows; in fact it seems to be a constant seesaw. I'm even wearing myself out with my mood swings. Side note--I stopped birth control on my primary doctor's orders, so maybe that'll help with the crazy-making mood fluctuations.

My OB/GYN put me on birth control because of my PCOS, to regulate my cycle and help with the other symptoms like acne and weight. Well, it didn't help with anything, except, I suspect, making me bipolar. So I'm curious to see if stopping it will put me on a more normal emotional plane. As for the acne, most of it is gone since I stopped drinking 4 sodas a day! I still have a bit, but nowhere near as bad as it was a month ago. And I suspect the weight will drop off more easily when I get back on track with healthy, natural food.

All in all, I am confident that everything will work out great soon. I just have to control my temper, practice discipline and get more sleep! I am really thankful for all the wonderful people in my life, because without them, I'd be hopelessly lost.

I'm really excited for the weekend--I'm FINALLY going to the drive in Friday, after it's rained the last two weekends. Simple things in life. AND my best girl Charlotte is coming up to visit me, and when she is around I always feel peaceful. Plus, I get three whole days off of work! Three days without anyone yelling at me or arguing with me. Can't wait!

"We all may be in the gutter

... but some of us are looking at the stars."

This is probably Oscar Wilde's most famous quote. Over time, it has been used so much that by now it's a little bit cliche; but it's still pretty good. Not my absolute favorite, but it fits my life right now. Which is why I named my blog what I did.

What it does for me is remind me to try and look on the bright side of things, however difficult that may be. Lately the stress from my job has been making it doubly hard, and I've been allowing myself to be pulled into that most abhorrent of black holes, self-pity.

UGH. There is only one thing I hate more than allowing stress to turn me into a grouchy-pants, and that's feeling sorry for myself. Which kind of lends itself into a nice little cycle: I get stressed at work and get angry. Then I feel sorry for myself that I have to work in a place that makes me angry. And then I get angry at myself for feeling sorry for myself. It's a sad little ring around the rosy, and usually, I just fall right into it.

The past week has been hard for me. It may be partly due to my working 12 hours each on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, then working 8 hours on Thursday, going to traffic court, then working another 8 hours today. I am basically spent right now. And this probably contributed to my little dip in the pool of Woe-Is-Me.

Today, I woke up after not getting enough sleep, looked in the mirror, and thought how crappy I looked. Then I thought about how I didn't want to go to work, then I thought about how our apartment is too small and I can't have a dog and none of my clothes fit me and my family is full of crazies and I'm almost 25 and have done nothing that I wanted to do in life and we have no money and on and on and on.

I let myself get all caught up in everything that's wrong with my life, and spent the rest of the day wondering if I could check myself into the hospital for exhaustion like Lindsay Lohan did. I didn't want anything to do with life today. I wanted to hide from it, or punch it in the face.

Instead I went into work and tried to put on my best smiley face, but it didn't work because I was still having those negative thoughts. I continued to dwell on everything that I think sucks about my life, and I got more and more upset and anxious until I felt trapped and without hope for anything. Then work stress just added to my mood.

I carried this pessimism home with me, and brooded for a few hours. I got even more depressed while looking for a new job online and finding no prospects.

Then Charlotte called me and asked me for a favor, which was to pick her up at the train station and drive her to a restaurant to meet her dad, because she'd missed her original train. Which I was happy to do because she is one of the most amazing people on this planet and I would do anything for her. I didn't think twice. Friends help each other out. When I picked her up, we caught up and talked about life, and I complained some, and she complained less, and we commiserated.

And I realized that here is a good reason to be happy with my life: I have got some of the best fucking friends I could ever ask for. There is not a single one of them who I don't find some greatness in. There is not a single one of them who does not inspire me. And Charlotte is always there for me, and always willing to listen to my crap, even when it's some silly complaint I've spit out a thousand times. She never tells me I'm being stupid or that my bitching irritates her. She just listens and lets me get everything out. She is an amazing person, and I am lucky to have someone like her as a friend.

So I thought about all the good things in my life: my awesome friends, my wonderful boyfriend, his cool family, my family (crazies or not, I love them), my cat, good books, good music, good movies, good food. I have a roof over my head and I have a car that functions. I get enough to eat and I have health insurance. Even though I've gained weight from PCOS, I still get compliments. Even though I don't have a college education, people still look to me for answers to their questions. And on. And on. And on.

The thing is, Charlotte helped me realize what a jerk I was being, all wrapped up in my own problems. I actually have it pretty good compared to millions of other people in the world. Sure, my circumstances at the moment aren't ideal. Of course I'd like things to get better. But until I break the cycle of self-loathing and self-pity, they won't.

Life is how you perceive it to be. If you think life is a great adventure, then it is. If you think life sucks, it does.

I think I finally realize this.

Food is medicine?

So yesterday was a great day. I slept way too late, but I clearly needed it. Then Eric and I went to Mother Earth's health food store in Wappingers to look for a few things my doctor told me to pick up. They didn't have them, but it was definitely a cool place! It was my first time there. The produce looked fresher, brighter and better than the chain grocery stores, and it wasn't that much difference in price. However a lot of the other food there was way out of our price range. I think it's a shame that eating as healthily as possible can be so much more expensive than filling your body with junk food. But we are really going to make more of an effort to pay attention to what we eat. In addition to food, they had a great section of all-natural beauty products. Anyone who knows me knows I can't go into CVS without picking up makeup. So finding some natural alternatives made me feel good, especially since the major cosmetics companies routinely test their products on animals. I'd like to stay away from that as much as possible. I picked up some witch hazel to help with my PCOS-induced skin problems.

I'm very interested in getting into the whole raw food thing. Our friends Dustin and Meredith have been doing it for a while now (I haven't seen Dustin, but I saw a picture of him on Meredith's blog, and he looks GREAT), and I've been reading Meredith's blog, The Raw Seed, which has been really educational. I've also been reading as much as I can about it and watching some documentaries. I've learned a lot but I know that there is still a lot I don't know. I definitely want to take the plunge (to employ a cliche), but I want to know what to expect before I begin.

I have a lot of health problems, mostly related to my diet and stress from work. I'm definitely ready for a complete lifestyle overhaul. I've been way more stressed at work than any human being reasonably should be, and to cope I've been coming home and stuffing my face with Philly cheesesteaks, pizza, fries, basically any comfort food to make me forget how much I truly hate my job. Then I feel ill, bloated, and not to mention guilty for eating such crap that I know is not good for me. It's a very negative cycle which I've been taking steps to break, but I know that I can do more.

I went to a new doctor on Wednesday, who is into holistic approaches. It's tough to find a doctor who won't push prescription drugs on you. In fact most doctors won't even think about giving you any advice that doesn't concern pills or surgery. This doctor was different.

First of all, he talked to me for an HOUR. He actually took the time to listen to me and see me as a human being, instead of some nameless, faceless "case." He asked me a lot of questions, he let me ask him a lot of questions, he even gave me some fatherly advice. I have never had such a personal experience with a doctor. I truly thought that personal care was gone along with milkmen and paper boys, but it turns out some doctors actually do care about the health of their patients. Needless to say I was impressed.

He did advise me to quit my day job, and I would like nothing more! I just need to figure out how I'm going to replace the income, meager as it may be. Also, he's having me keep a food diary, which I've been doing since Thursday, and it's already been an eye-opening experience. Reading back on what I've eaten the last 4 days, I can see that I eat way too many carbohydrates and hardly any protein. I am definitely thinking before I shovel food into my mouth now, partly because I'm now conscious of it and partly because my doctor wants to review my food diary, and I don't want him to be disappointed in me!

He also went over my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome with me. My OB/GYN put me on Yaz (birth control) to alleviate some of the symptoms (irregular periods, acne, etc), but it's hardly done anything. My new doctor explained that this is a band aid and won't fix the problem, which is PCOS itself. He is advising me to stop birth control (no problem, I hate taking it!) and transfer my records from my OB/GYN to him so he can review them to see if he wants to run more tests on me. He did say that changing what I eat would help in a big way.

I am so grateful to have found a great doctor who's willing to put in time to help me. Working in a huge medical group, I see firsthand how patient care has taken a backseat to profit. It's so refreshing to see that some doctors are doing it for the love, not for the money!!!

I also watched a great documentary last night, "The Business of Being Born." It was eye-opening to say the least, and even sparked an interest in me to maybe go to midwife school... we'll see what happens with that. I have a bad habit of being fickle with my choices. But I'm definitely going to explore the option.

I reccommend watching it if you're a woman who is considering ever having children. Be prepared for some gross-out in the form of placenta! But don't let it scare you... I think the things they point out in this movie are things every woman who wants children needs to know! And most doctors won't tell you these things because it takes business away from them.

I didn't intend for this post to be all about health but I can't control my thoughts, so what is in my head is what goes on the screen. One of the documentaries I watched recently had the quote, Let your food be your medicine, and your medicine be your food. I'm starting to recognize that as truth, and as I uncover more layers to the relation between food and health, I feel more empowered to heal myself.

Allow me to introduce my Self.

The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly-- that is what each of us is here for. -Oscar Wilde

I've been playing with the idea of starting a blog for awhile now. To get my thoughts down somewhere and maybe out of my head. They're always swimming around in there, running into each other, scrambling, blending, disassembling. It can be overwhelming.

I've also recently embarked on a personal journey of self-discovery and growth which pretty much came up out of nowhere. I don't know exactly what led me to begin this endeavor but I know that so far it's been mind-bending and wonderful and frustrating and gratifying. I thought I'd document the process of my personal growth for posterity-- or maybe just to help me figure things out easier along the way.

I am enamored of every single thing that Mr. Oscar Wilde ever wrote, so I'll probably be using lots of his quotes both as a means of expression and just to tickle my own fancy. It's MY blog after all. I relate to his writing so much, and he truly inspires me to make my life my art. If you haven't read him, you should, and if you have, we should get together and talk about it sometime. I can really go on for hours about his stuff.

Anyway it's 2:24 AM and I just finished watching Fried Green Tomatoes (can you believe I'm a chick and I'd never seen that movie?!?), which I found wonderful. I'm now ready for slumber. I'll actually write something tomorrow.